The End, but Not the End
As I was cleaning up my classroom, I became a little sad. I was by myself (I haven’t been by myself for weeks) and started reflecting on this situation we find ourselves in.
Usually, when we clean out our rooms and complete our “end of year checklist” there is music, yelling to each other from across the hallway, food, silly award meetings, and a general sigh of relief knowing we did our jobs and our students are ready to move on to the next school year. This year, it was just me. There was one other teacher in my hallway and one person from admin in the office who I chatted with for a few minutes from behind my mask. I completed my checklist and turned in my keys even though it’s not really the end of the school year.
I was recently asked by a friend how it felt to be ending the school year early. Was I happy to be finished? Well, I’m not finished yet. The school year is not over and I’m sad about not being able to close out the “right way”.
Yes, every teacher looks forward to our summer breaks. We get to take some time for ourselves and our families. We take classes and talk with other teachers to get ideas for the next school year. We rest and learn so that we are able to come back “fresh and ready to go” for our incoming students.
I’m not resting in this ‘extra’ time. I’m busy. It’s a different kind of busy, but I’m still busy. I’m busy planning online lessons that I hope are meaningful to my students. I’m busy texting, emailing, and calling parents/students to make sure they can access the online lessons and encouraging them to at least try. I’m engaging in video chats with my students to make sure they understand and can complete the lessons. I’m also teaching them new skills…like, yes you still need to look at the speaker even when they are on video chat and no you shouldn’t just make silly faces at yourself or look at your parents to answer. I’m collaborating with other teachers to see who they might need help reaching. I’m mailing differentiated work to my students who don’t have computers and internet access, but also find the work packets the district is mailing out too hard. So, I’m doing what I can to make this learning time meaningful.
I would rather be in front of my students all day — even with the meltdowns, the attitudes, and the tears. Because in between those meltdowns and sour attitudes; there are smiles, giggles, and light bulb moments where it all finally connects! I even find myself missing the hug from the 4th grader that just came in from recess. I miss the connection with my students and fellow teachers.
It’s hard to end the year without truly knowing if you’ve prepared your students for the next school year. Yes, I’m sending out lessons. Yes, I’m trying my best to make sure the students are completing the lessons. But it’s not the same as me being in front of them every day all day long. Too much of this is now put on the parents and the students. There is a reason we have schools. Not everyone was meant to be a teacher. Parents have to work and kids are anxious about the change in routine, the virus, etc. We are all doing what we can, but it’s not the same as being in the actual classroom with the students.
So, we will have an ending, but it’s not quite the ending we all wanted. We don’t get the water days, the end of year party, the fun field trips, or the in-person graduation. As I was leaving my campus, I decided that I’m going to make the best of it. I will continue to reach out to my students as I have done these last few weeks. I will delight in the smiles on their faces when they are able to log on to a video chat. I will cherish the pictures and videos they upload of themselves and their work showing me they are trying. I will cheer with my awesome teaching assistant when a student posts work to their online portfolio. I will even send them their pictures, a letter, and maybe a small gift in a couple of weeks when it’s the actual end of the school year. That way they, too, can have their ending. I’ll cross my fingers that my 1st — 4th graders return next year (there’s always one or two who move) and that my 5th graders will come back by to say “Hi” when all this is over. I know I will once again cringe at the after recess hug from the 4th and 5th graders. I look forward to that day.
