The Behavior is Not the Child
We all have students in our classes that just confuse us. One minute they are happily listening and the next they are running out of the class, throwing chairs, or yelling at you — and you don’t know what set them off. Maybe you asked them to sit down, or start their work, but their reaction seems disproportionate and out of control.
As teachers, it can be hard to remember that not all children are choosing to react this way. Many of these students have experienced trauma, or have special emotional needs like depression and anxiety. Their brains and bodies are reacting automatically to a stimulus or a strong emotion — the same way that, as adults, our fight or flight response kicks in when we feel threatened — and they need our consistent, patient help to teach them new ways to handle these overwhelming feelings.
I’d like to begin occasionally sharing a few tips with you on how to better help these students. To be clear, I am not a doctor nor a diagnostician. Many of you have as much or more experience than I do as teachers, and I learn from you every day. But my eleven-year-old daughter has anxiety, and my husband has chronic anxiety and depression. As a family, we’ve spent tons of money and time on therapy, and we’ve learned an incredible amount about these very confusing, complex disorders.
Today, all I’m asking you to remember is the behavior is NOT the child. They can’t control it. The child is so much more than their behavior in that moment. The behavior is a response to stress or a perceived threat in the environment. They are dealing with so much in their body that you asking them to do one more thing…like sit down, start your work, line up….it’s just too much. So, they act out. When we respond with taking away recess or lunch detention, we are falsely assuming that that particular child can self-regulate their emotions and behaviors when they do not have that ability yet. So, when a child does act out for no reason that we can see or understand, stop yourself from your initial reaction of a consequence. Start with giving the student a break and then talk with the student about what they may have been feeling BEFORE the action. A lot of students will need help with this. They don’t know what they were feeling. They don’t know why. But, when you question them and speak with them calmly, hopefully, you will be able to help the student come up with their feelings and then think of some ideas as to what they could do next time. The repair part is always important. It might not be an apology or a consequence like we are used to. But, brainstorming what to do in the future, or how to make this particular problem corrected is how a child continues their learning of how to process what to do with their feelings of stress.
Questions you can ask the student to help them tune into themselves:
Are you frustrated/upset/sad/mad/hungry? Validate the feeling.
What happened that made you frustrated/upset/sad/mad/hungry? Validate the feeling again.
What are some ways we can solve this thing that happened? (They will probably need help with ideas)
Then re-state the way to solve it and try it out.
I look forward to talking with you in the future about my experiences and working together to help the students deal with their struggles so they can become more successful in school and in life!
