Consistency is Key
I need to work on being consistent in many areas of my life. Dishes? Those can wait until tomorrow. Laundry? That only happens on the weekends. Am I eating healthy? That is considered on a meal-by-meal basis in my life. The areas I am the most consistent in are the most important areas: I ensure my family and myself are fed and clothed, I come to work consistently, and I engage with my spouse and children every day. Being an influence in many young children’s lives, I also try my best to be consistent in my words and actions. In my life right now, that’s one of the most critical places to be consistent.
When my youngest child was a toddler, I used his crib as a safe place for him to calm down if he was throwing a fit. He was too young to sit in a specific spot, so his crib was a great alternative. The crib contained him, he felt safe, and I knew it was a safe space for him to be. During one particular fit, while a friend was over, I asked my toddler son if he needed to go up to his crib for a minute. He said no, so I reminded him (in child language) he would need to control himself if he didn’t want to go to his crib. He very quickly calmed down. My friend (who had a child at a similar age) was surprised. She asked how I got that to work. I explained that it takes a lot of practice to follow through with the consequence. He knows I will put him in his crib for two minutes because I’ve done it countless times before when he has had an out-of-control fit. It worked for him. He is also my third child, and my friend’s toddler was her first child. So I had a little more practice in what I found to be effective, and that was: be consistent!
Children thrive on routine and structure. Some days it might not seem like it, but when their schedule is different, you may notice your child acting out more. Think of students in a classroom where they have a substitute teacher. Even though the substitute follows the schedule, they are different, so they do things differently than the student’s regular teacher. Some students can deal with this, but some students have a hard time with it, throwing their entire day off. This student may then exhibit unwanted behavior in their class. Usually, they are not doing this on purpose but are having difficulty processing the differences they are experiencing and acting out because of that.
Here are a few tips for being consistent with the children in your life.
1. Let little things go. I know some say that If you let the little things go, they won’t learn the bigger things. If you practice ignoring minor infractions, they will become less frequent. However, you get to decide what the little things are to you. Everyone has limits!
2. If you threaten it, prepare to follow through. I made a significant threat when I told my 3-year-old daughter that I would take all her toys away if she intentionally tore up another book. Well, she tore up that book. And then I had to take all her toys away. Yes, I went a little overboard. But I don’t think she tore up another book. Think before you lay out a consequence, and make sure you follow through on that consequence.
3. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” This is similar to following through on your threat of consequence. “Say what you mean” is to make sure you are clear. Let children know your expectations ahead of time and repeat them often. Kids are kids, and they will forget or push boundaries on purpose. So, give the kid a warning for running in the house or down the hallway. But remind them of the expectation and then follow through with the consequence if they run again in the hallway that day (mean what you say).
4. Adults need to be on the same page. Parenting with a partner? Teaching with a partner? You both need to be consistent with the same things. We are all different people and have different expectations and thresholds for kids’ behavior. What may bother me may not bother my husband or my teaching partner. This means we have to communicate a lot about our expectations. When my kids were little, and I stayed at home with them full time, I had to make many decisions about minor consequences on my own. If something significant happened, I would either wait to talk with my spouse to give out a consequence or give it out and then let him know before he got home what had happened. This is not because I was using the “wait until your father gets home” tactic. It was so that we could present a united front. My teaching partner and I do the same thing. We will text each other (I’m grateful for technology) from across the school or room about something just to let the other know what’s going on with a student. Or we will pop over to the table where we hear or see a child demonstrating unwanted behavior just in case the adult needs some backup. It’s not to give our own opinion but to say, “I just heard Ms. Merritt ask you to do _____; you need to follow her directions.” My husband and I have been known to tell our teens to wait a bit when they ask us if they can do something new or if they have broken a serious rule, and we don’t know what the consequences will be. It’s not to make the teen wait for the result, but it’s so we can talk it out. We are also learning as we go!
5. Being consistent is hard! Give yourself some grace if you give in to the fit and try again the next time. The more consistent you are, the more consistent the children around you will become. They will probably still whine and plead or throw a fit to get the toy or try to get away with running down the hall, but when you see them and call them out on their unwanted behavior, they will know you are serious and that they will have to face the consequence. The hope is that, eventually, their unwanted behaviors will become less and less because they are tired of the results of their actions.
Remember, the more consistent you become with your expectations and how you respond to the children in your life, the more they will learn what to expect from you. Knowing what to expect helps children feel safe and will allow them to trust you more. As Barbara M. White (former ambassador and former president of Mills College) stated, “Building trust is a process. Trust results from consistent and predictable interaction over time.”
