Boundaries

Lately I have been working on creating and keeping boundaries for myself. Setting boundaries around my needs sounded scary to me at first, but in my work in creating these boundaries; I realized that boundaries are just rules we set for ourselves and stick to.

Some of the questions I had to ask myself in order to get a place where I was able to create boundaries were: What do I want my life to look like? What is making me unhappy in my life? Do I have the power to change my stressors? What do I need? What can I do to achieve my goals? Do I feel myself worthy of these rules and goals?

If you think of boundaries as rules, we all have boundaries. We might have physical boundaries, boundaries about what we will talk about with each other, boundaries about what we might let our kids watch, boundaries around work and as teachers, boundaries in our classroom.

There are some boundaries that every teacher needs to have in place in their classroom. For example: Treating everyone (kids included) with respect and equality, personal boundaries with your students (we are not their friends, we are their teachers/mentors), etc.

These past two years of teaching, it has been more important than ever to establish our own boundaries and stick to them.

Boundaries, you say? How do I get those? As educators, we are sympathetic and empathetic people. It’s in our nature to ‘do it for the kids’. I struggled with giving myself permission to set boundaries around work (and in my personal life also). The way I learned how was to think about what my major stressors were and then work backwards to figure out what I needed to do for myself so it would less of a stressor.

Instead of letting something push me into a state of panic, I started to decide how and when I would deal with it.

For example: I don’t put my work email on my phone. If I did, I would check it too often outside of work hours and feel the need to respond or start problem-solving. If there were a true emergency, someone would call me. I also don’t answer the phone if a parent is calling me after school hours. I will listen to the message and respond if needed–usually it can wait until the next school day. These seem so simple and easy, but it took me a while to pinpoint what exactly would help make my home and work life better.

If a boundary you’ve decided on will involve others, don’t keep them guessing. This was a hard thing for me to learn and I still haven’t mastered it yet. You need to tell someone what you need and/or exactly what you expect. Sometimes, when my husband and I have a date night we have to just state out loud that we don’t want our whole outing to involve discussing our kids. Or if another person brings up something you aren’t comfortable talking about, you need to tell that person you don’t want to discuss it. And leave it at that. You don’t have to explain yourself (as long as you aren’t in a legal situation, etc). Stay courteous and calm, but clear and concise.

I also often want to say “yes” to everything. Yes! I can help with that. Yes! I want to go hang out with you. Yes! I will bring 50 cookies to your bake sale. While all of these things make me feel good, doing all of those things takes a toll. And then I have no space for just me. We all need time for just ourselves. You need to help yourself before you can help others.

A few easy boundaries educators can set that might help you get started:

• Leave work on time. Your contract time ends at 3:30? Make sure you leave by 3:45.
• Set parameters for when you will answer emails/phone calls/etc.
• You can’t get it all done during the contracted school day? Neither can I! But I still set my parameters around when and how much I will work at home.
• Take the day off. You get personal leave. Take it. Your students will be fine for one day without you.

So, I invite you to think about your goals, your stressors, your needs and try to find some boundaries you can make for yourself that might make life a little bit more enjoyable. You are worth it.