Big Feelings
It can be hard to get children to share their feelings. Really, it can be hard to get anyone (adult or child) to share their feelings. I have personally spent time in therapy just to learn how to find and name my feelings.
Kids naturally express themselves more than adults. As adults, we can curb our response and wait until the appropriate time and place to share our feelings. Kids don’t have that ability yet. They express themselves in the moment which can sometimes be inappropriate for their setting. You will definitely know if your toddler is unhappy. As caretakers of those children, it’s not only our job to decipher what the child is trying to express, but we also need to understand WHY they are experiencing these feelings so we can help them problem solve later. Figuring out the why can be exhausting work, but it allows you to connect with the child more, naturally building up your relationship.
If you have ever spent time around toddlers, you know they are very expressive with their feelings, but you might have a hard time understanding where these outbursts are coming from. A toddler asks for juice, you give them the juice and suddenly they are crying on the floor. Why? Because you gave them the juice in the wrong cup. It’s not important to you what cup they use, but it’s important to them. I spent a lot of time guessing what my kids were feeling when they were toddlers. They didn’t have the words, so I had to speak for them. When I guessed correctly, they would nod and calm down a bit (they would still be upset because they had the wrong cup). They would stop the tantrum and agree to drink out of the offending cup just because they had been heard and their feelings had been validated.
Recently, my teen daughter was excited to go to a (socially distant) birthday celebration for one of her friends. The day comes and suddenly she has decided she doesn’t want to go. When I pry about it, she is visibly upset. I ask the question we all ask, “What’s wrong?”. She just shrugs and says she doesn’t know. And in that moment, she really didn’t know. I was confused too. We had given her permission to go see her friend, provided she wears a mask and stays outside. She was agreeable to this. After several minutes of sitting with her, giving her time to think, and letting her know I was there to help; she said that there were going to be more people at this party than she originally thought and that’s why she didn’t want to go. But then she was crying and upset about it. Finally, I verbalized that I get upset when something I was looking forward to doing gets changed. And even though I didn’t want to do the new thing that the plan turned into, I was still mourning the old thing I was excited about. She nodded and said yes. That’s why she was crying. She WANTED to go be with a couple of friends. What she didn’t want to do was be around 20 people, most of whom she didn’t know, and feel weird for two hours. Her plans changed and she was sad about it. But then she felt like it wasn’t her right to be upset by this because she is the one choosing not to go. We ALWAYS have a right to our feelings. Others may not agree with them or understand them, but our feelings are our own and we need to help kids understand that. They need us to help validate their feelings for and with them.
Yes, this can be exhausting for us. We have to try to and guess what these kids are feeling? Impossible! We aren’t in their heads! I know. I find it helpful for them to start with telling me what happened. I then repeat out loud what they told me. Sometimes just in that simple exchange, the child starts to clarify and we can pinpoint the feeling. Sometimes after I repeat back to them what they told me, I just have to sit next to them and let them know I am there. Similarly to what I did with my daughter. My daughter told me she decided not to go to the party and then shrugged when I asked why she was upset. So I sat with her for several minutes in silence. And then told her it was okay to have her feelings. This finally allowed her the time and space to calm her thoughts and verbalize a little more of what was going on. With younger kids, you might need a shorter silence and more guessing. They might need you to give them the words. “You are upset because this work is too hard and no one is helping you.” or “You are upset because you wanted the purple marker but it is dried out so you had to use blue.” Something you might think is trivial is big to the student. Just naming what has gotten them scared, sad, or angry. Then empathize with them. “I also get frustrated when my work is too hard or when I run out of time. It’s okay to be sad about that.” or “I understand that feeling. You wanted to play tag and your friend wanted to swing. It is hard when our friend doesn’t want to play with us. We feel lonely.”
Helping the child name the feeling and giving them validation of their feelings will most likely help the child calm down in the moment. If they are still upset, the next step is to help the child solve the problem. Sometimes there is not a solution. The cup they wanted to use is dirty, so they have to use this clean one. Or the party is not ours, so I can’t change the amount of people going. We just have to know it’s okay to be upset about this and allow that time to be sad. Sometimes there can be a solution so they next time they have this problem, they know how to handle it without the outburst. Problem solving skills will be in the next Merritt Moment, so stay tuned. In the meantime, validate and empathize!
