Anger is the Practice of Fear

Anger is an “easy” emotion. A lot of times, it’s the first emotion to surface when something doesn’t go our way. It is a primal emotion and a great defense mechanism. Instead of blaming ourselves, or looking at what is truly wrong, we lash out in anger at others around us.

I’ve seen this a lot in students. They don’t understand the work in front of them, get frustrated, and then lash out in anger instead of using a calming strategy and asking for help.

Why do we do this? Anger is our initial reaction to a perceived threat. It’s a cue to your body to get ready to take action to control whatever is going on around you and therefore affects your thinking just as much as it affects the muscles in your body.

Recently, my 6th grader broke her elbow. She fell onto our tile floor (because she was stomping away in anger from her brother), onto her arm/elbow. She was crying and saying she hurt herself. Immediately, I got upset with her. My first thought was, “Well, if you hadn’t been fighting with your brother, you wouldn’t have fallen.” I helped her up and finally saw her swollen elbow and got nervous. I was NOT using my calming strategies, however, I was trying to stay calm in front of my daughter. Instead of lashing out at her because I was scared, I started arguing with my husband about who should take her to the doctor and which doctor, etc. etc. Because I am an adult who knows my child needs me to take care of her, I was outwardly controlling my fear and anger. Hopefully all she saw were parents who were trying to figure out what to do for her. I was still angry with her that she overreacted to an argument with her brother which resulted in her falling and hurting herself. I was upset about having to miss work and upset about the possible money that this was going to cost us. I was also upset because she is going to Disney World for a dance program in March and what does a broken arm mean?? Can she still dance? We’ve already paid for this opportunity, so she’s going no matter what. My mind hadn’t let me get to the “fear feeling” yet.

It was only after we saw the pediatrician and were told that they suspected a break and then sent to an orthopedic doctor, that I stopped and voiced my feelings of fear out loud. While driving to the orthopedist, I told my daughter that I was scared when I saw her swollen elbow and was so sorry she had fallen and hurt herself. She said she was scared too, but was excited to get a cast. ;) My fears were calmed a little in the ortho’s office when he said no surgery was necessary.

I was then able to focus on the care of my daughter and talk with her on the way home about her reactions to others and how she really needs to stop and think (just like I do) before she yells, or stomps off in a rage. It’s extremely important now that she controls herself since she has a cast on her arm and an elbow that we want to heal properly.

An idea I have given her (and others) to think about before we jump to anger is to reassess the situation.

Stop and think.

• Did he (or she) really mean what I think I heard them say? Am I assuming something that needs to be verified?
• Is this situation as terrible as it feels right now? Am I possibly exaggerating its significance? Am I taking it too seriously?
• Can I refocus my attention and thoughts on what I actually like about this person/situation — and stop focusing exclusively on this particular behavior, which clearly I don’t like?
• If I am angry about something out of my control, can I focus on something else and not dwell on things I can’t change?

As always, these things take practice. As adults, we are able to control ourselves more than students. We know not to say and do every impulse we have. Students need to be taught this and they need to practice it. Obviously, my daughter did not stop, think and reassess the situation with her brother. She stomped off, slipped on the tile, and fell. We will continue to practice in the moment and after the moment has passed, so hopefully, one day it will become automatic to stop and think before reacting to someone or something that has angered you. The end goal is to find your true feelings (often not anger) and also to gain some empathy for what the other person in the situation with you may be feeling.